13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do Summary by Amy Morin

13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t Do

Written By: Amy Morin (2014)

Summarized by: JSC

 What is Mental Strength?

Factors that play in determining the ease at which you develop mental strength:

         Genetics – Genes play a role in whether you may be more prone to mental health issues, such as mood disorders.

           Personality – Some People have personality traits that help them think more realistically and behave more positively by nature.

        Experiences – Your life experiences influence how you think about yourself, other people, and the world in general.

Basis of Mental Strength

- To understand mental strength, you must learn how your thoughts, behaviors, and feelings are all intertwined.

3 Pronged-Approach to developing mental strength.

    Thoughts – Identifying irrational thoughts and replacing them with more realistic thoughts.

    Behavior – Behaving in a positive manner despite the circumstances.

    Emotions – Controlling your emotions so your emotions don’t control you.

The truth about mental strength

    Being mentally strong isn’t about acting tough; it’s about acting according to your values.

    Mental strength doesn’t require you to ignore your emotions. It is about interpreting and understanding how your emotions influence your thoughts and behavior.

    You don’t have to treat your body like a machine to be mentally strong.

    Being mentally strong is not about positive thinking.  It is about being realistic and rational.

    Developing mental strength isn’t about chasing happiness.  It is about making decisions that will help you reach your full potential.

    Mental strength isn’t a trend.

    Mental strength is not synonymous with mental health.

Benefits of Mental Strength

    Increased resilience to stress

    Improved life satisfaction

    Enhance Performance

How to Develop Mental Strength?

Practice.  Grow, improve, and strive to become a little better than you were yesterday.

Chapter 1 – They Don’t waste time feeling sorry for themselves.

“Self-Pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure, and separates the victim from reality (Gardner, n.d)”

Self-Pity Party

Dwelling on your sorrow and misfortune is self-destructive.  Self-Pity can consume you until it eventually changes your thoughts and behaviors.  Be in control!  You can change your attitude in a certain situation.

Why do we feel sorry for ourselves?

    To get attention.  Playing the “poor me” card may result in some kind and gentle words from others.  For people who fear rejection, self-pity can be an indirect way of gaining help by sharing a woe-is-me tale in hopes it will attract some assistance.

    A way to avoid responsibility.

    An act of defiance. 

Problems with feeling sorry for yourself.

    It is a waste of time – feeling sorry for yourself won’t move you any closer to a solution.

    It leads to more negative emotions.

    It can become a self-fulfilling prophecy – attracting negative energy.

    It prevents you from dealing with other emotions.

    I cause you to overlook the good in your life.

    It interferes with relationships – a victim mentality is not an attractive characteristic.  You will lose people.

Stop Feeling Sorry for yourself!

-          To alleviate feelings of self-pity, you need to change your pitiful behavior and forbid yourself from indulging in pitiful thoughts.  Change your paradigm.

Behave in a manner that makes it hard to feel sorry for yourself!

-          Instead of grieving about what have lost, choose to feel grateful for what can be done (volunteering, doing a physical or mental activity, random act of kindness). 

-          Make a conscious effort to do something contrary to how you feel.  Sometimes, small behavior makes a big difference.

-          The key to changing your feelings is finding which behaviors will extinguish your feelings of self-pity. 

Replace thoughts that encourage self-pity!

-          What other way I could view my situation?

-          What advice would I give to a loved one who had this problem?

-          What evidence do I have that I can get through this?

Exchange self-pity for gratitude – Gratitude improves social lives, leads to more positive emotions, and makes the person physically fit.

-          Keep a gratitude journal: Each day think at least a thing to be grateful for.

-          Say what you’re grateful for.

-          Change the channel when you’re experiencing self-pity:  Be aware of your own feeling and shift your paradigm as soon as you feel sorry for yourself.

-          Ask others what they’re grateful for

-          Teach others to be grateful.

Chapter 2 – They don’t give away their power.

“When we hate our enemies, we are giving them power over us: power over our sleep, our appetites, our blood pressure, our health, and our happiness.” (Carnegie, n.d)

-          Retaining power is about being confident in who you are and the choices you make, despite the people around you and the circumstances you are in.

-          Learn to Say No.

-          Set healthy emotional and physical boundaries for yourself.  A lack of emotional boundaries can be equally problematic.  If you don’t like the way someone treats you, you don’t stand up for yourself, you give that person power over your life.

-          Reclaim your power.  Stand up for your own.

-          Change the way you look at each situation.  Broaden your way of thinking.

-          Think before you react and recognize your choices.

-          Retaining power will let you be the captain of your soul and master of your fate.

The problem with giving away your power.

a.       You depend on others to regulate your feeling – being dependent on external forces to regulate your emotions.

b.      You let other people define your self-worth.

c.       You avoid addressing the real problem – you will not solve it (self-pity attitude)

d.      You become a victim of your circumstances – you will lose control over yourself (self-pity)

e.       You become highly sensitive to criticism – Becoming irrational and unrealistic.

f.        You lose sight of your goals – become stagnant/mediocre.

g.      You ruin relationships.

Identify people who have taken your power.

-          Learn to forgive.  Choosing to forgive someone who has hurt you, either emotionally or physically, does not mean you have to excuse the other person’s behavior, but letting go of your anger frees you to focus your energy on a more worthwhile cause.

-          Forgiveness reduces your stress, increases your tolerance to pain, and can help you to live longer.

-          Develop self-awareness by identifying when you blame external circumstances and other people for how you think, feel, and behave.

Strategies to stay calm.

 

a.       Take deep breaths.

b.      Excuse yourself from the situation – Learn to recognize your personal warning signs of anger.  Walk away if needed.

c.       Distract yourself – divert your thoughts… shift your paradigm.

Evaluate feedback critically.

Retaining your power is about evaluating feedback to determine if it has any validity.  Criticism can be an eye-opener, but it can be the opposite. 

Some guiding questions if you receive criticism.

-          What evidence is there that this is true?

-          What evidence do I have this isn’t true?

-          Why might this person be giving me this feedback?

-          Is there a need for a change?

Chapter 3 – They don’t shy away from change.

“It’s not that some people have willpower, and some don’t… It is that some people are ready to change, and others are not.’ (Gordon, n.d.)

Although circumstances can change quickly, humans often change at a much slower pace.  Choosing to do something different requires you to adapt your thinking and your behavior, which will likely bring up some uncomfortable emotions.  But that does not mean you should shy away from Change.  Many people shy away from change because they think that doing something different is too risky or uncomfortable.

Types of Change

a.       All-or-nothing change 

b.      Habit Change – most habit changes allow you to try something new for a little while, but you can always revert to your old habits.

c.       Trying-something-new change – like learning new skills, volunteering, etc.

d.      Behavioral Change

e.       Emotional Change 

f.        Cognitive change – Way of thinking.

5 Stages of Change

1.      Pre-contemplation – a stage where a need to change is not yet identified.

2.      Contemplation – evaluation of the pros and cons of making a change.

3.      Preparation – the stage where people prepare to make a change.  Outlining of a roadmap.

4.      Action – the state where the concrete behavioral change takes place.

5.      Maintenance – sustainability of action.

Avoiding Discomfort

-          Many people associate change with discomfort.  And often, they underestimate their ability to tolerate the discomfort that accompanies a behavioral change.  Believe in yourself to tolerate discomfort. 

Grief

-          Doing something different means giving something up.  There’s often grief associated with leaving something behind.  To spare ourselves this grief, we can convince ourselves not to change.

Fear

-          Many people worry that doing something different may make things even worse. 

Problem with shying away from change

a.       Staying the same often equals getting stuck in a rut; your life may not get better – a person who simply decides to keep things as mundane and low-key as possible isn’t likely to experience a rich, full life and might become depressed.

b.      You won’t learn new things and other people will outgrow you.

c.       You won’t challenge yourself to be better.

d.      The longer you wait the harder it gets- change is a process it can’t happen overnight.

Develop an awareness of your emotions.

Pay attention to the emotions that are influencing your decision as well.  When you think about making a change, how do you feel? Nervous? Exhausted? Worried? Sad? Then, decide if there is a need to act contrary to those emotions.  Don’t allow your emotions to make the final decision.  Once again, be rational.

Manage Negative Thoughts (it will never work, I can’t handle it, resistance to change, etc.)

Just because you think it will be difficult does not mean you shouldn’t do it.  Often, some of the best things in life come from our ability to conquer a challenge through hard work.

Preparation in creating a successful plan for change.

a.       Create a goal for what you would like to accomplish in the next 30 days.

b.      Establish concrete behavior changes you can make to reach that goal each day.

c.       Anticipate obstacles along the way.  Be futuristic.  Do some forecasting.

d.      Establish accountability – consider having third-party support (friend, family, and the like)

e.       Monitor your progress (set parameters)

Behave like the person you want to become.

Identify the type of person you’d like to be.  Then, be proactive about becoming that person.  (Art of mirroring oneself).

Embracing change will make you stronger.

Sometimes change results in a complete transformation that could alter the entire course of your life.  Positive change leads to increased motivation and increased motivation leads to more positive change.  Embracing change is a 2-way street.

Troubleshooting and Common Traps

Pay attention to the way you handle change.  Watch out for warning signs that you may be avoiding important changes that could ultimately improve your life.  Although change can feel uncomfortable, you won’t be able to increase your mental strength unless you are willing to grow and improve.

Chapter 4 – They don’t focus on things they can’t control.

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them” (Angelou, n.d)

-          When you learn to let go of the details you can’t control, the amount of time and energy you will be able to devote to the things you can control will give you the ability to accomplish incredible feats.

-          Instead of wasting energy trying to prevent a storm, focus on how you can prepare for it.

Why do we try to control everything?

-          Trying to control everything usually starts out as a way to manage anxiety.  Rather than focusing on managing anxiety, you try controlling your environment.

-          Superhero complex (lack of trust in other people’s capabilities).

Locus of Control

-          Deciding what is within your control and what isn’t depends largely upon your belief system called Locus of Control.

-          refers to an individual's perception of the underlying main causes of events in his/her life.

-          A locus of control orientation is a belief about whether the outcomes of our actions are contingent on what we do (internal control orientation) or on events outside our personal control.

Note: definition and additional notes were retrieved from: https://www.usmcu.edu/Portals/218/What%20is%20Locus%20of%20Control%20by%20James%20Neill.pdf

The Problem with wasting energy on things you can’t control.

a.       It leads to increased anxiety.

b.      It wastes time and energy.

c.       It damages relationships.

d.      You will judge others harshly – people with a high internal locus of control tend to suffer from loneliness because they feel irritable that other people aren’t keeping up with their standards.

e.       You will blame yourself for everything (self-pity concept)

Develop a balanced sense of control.

-          Those who strike the right balance of control recognize how their behaviors can affect their chances of success, but they also identify how external factors, such as being in the right place at the right time, can play a role.  Remind yourself that there’s a lot you can’t control.

Identify your fear.

Acknowledging your fear, and developing an understanding of them, will help you begin to recognize what is within your control and what is not.  Focus on what you can control. 

Influence people without trying to control them.

a.       Listen first, speak second.

b.      Share your opinion and concern, but only share it once. 

c.       Change your behavior.

d.      Point out the positive – offer genuine praise.

Practice Acceptance

-          Even though you might not like the situation you are in, you can choose to accept it. 

Giving up control will make you stronger.

When you stop trying to control every aspect of your life, you will have more time and energy to devote to things you can control. 

1.      Increased happiness – The maximum level of happiness is achieved when people have a balanced locus of control.

2.      Better relationships – fewer trust issues, increase the sense of belongingness.

3.      Less stress

4.      Increased confidence in your ability to handle new opportunities.

5.      More successful – becoming more aware of your surroundings.

Chapter 5 – They don’t worry about pleasing everyone.

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner” (Lao Tzu, n.d)

-          Learn to say NO!

-          A desire to please others all the time will make you lose yourself along the way.

-          Revisit your core values (what is your priority? Family? Power? Career? Education? Leisure?)

People Pleasing Sign

-          People pleasing is about trying to control how others feel.

-          Attempts to be a nice person can backfire when your behavior crosses over into people-pleasing.  It can take a serious toll on all areas of your life and make it impossible to reach your goals.  You can still be a kind and generous person without trying to please everyone.

Why do we try to please people?

Fear – Conflict and confrontation can be uncomfortable. 

Learned behavior – It could stem from the environment of a certain person (ex. Childhood experience, norms of the society, religious values, etc.)

Assumptions are not always true.

Most of us wrongly assume that people-pleasing behavior proves we are generous.  But when you think about it, always trying to please people is not a selfless act.  It is actually quite self-centered.  It assumes that everyone cares about your every move.  It also assumes you think you have the power to control how other people feel.

People pleasing damages relationships.

It is an impossible feat to always make everyone around you happy, a conflict is sometimes unavoidable.  Be natural.

People pleasers lose sight of their values.

-          In a book entitled “The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying”, dying people often wished to live a more authentic life, rather than a people pleaser.  So, be true!

-          Research published in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology concluded that people pleasers tended to eat more when they thought it would make others around them happier (sabotaging physical well-being).

-          Pleasing people will hold you back from reaching your full potential.  No matter what your values are, you will stop behaving according to them if you are focused primarily on pleasing other people.  Just because it is a popular choice doesn’t mean it is the right choice.

Determine who you want to please.

-          If you want to be successful at reaching your goals, you need to define your path, not just do what other people want you to do.

-          Before you automatically change your behavior based on what you think other people want, evaluate your thoughts and feelings. 

The truth about people pleasing.

1.      Worrying about trying to please everyone is a waste of time.

2.      People pleasers are easily manipulated – the main target of opportunists.

3.      It is okay for other people to feel angry or disappointed.

4.      You can’t please everyone.

Take time to decide whether to say yes or no.

Think if…

a.       Is this something I want to do?

b.      What I have to give up by doing this?

c.       What will I gain by doing this?

d.      How will I feel if I do it?

Practice behaving assertively.

-          Assertive discussion can actually be quite healthy and sharing your concerns can improve relationships. 

-          Speak up if someone takes advantage of you and asks for what you need.

Accepting that you can’t please everyone makes you stronger.

-          You will enjoy an authentic life.

-          Your words and your behavior must be in line with your beliefs before you can begin to enjoy a truly authentic life.  When you stop worrying about pleasing everyone and instead, are willing to be bold enough to live according to your own values, your self-confidence will soar, you will feel less stressed, you will establish healthier relationships, you will have increased willpower, and be more goal-oriented.

Chapter 6 – They don’t fear taking calculated risks.

“Don’t be too timid and squeamish about your actions.  All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better” (Emerson, n.d.)

-          A lack of knowledge about how to calculate risk leads to increased fear, and fearing risk often leads to avoidance.

-          Monitor the outcome of the risks that you take.  Take notice of how you felt before, during, and after taking a risk.  Ask yourself what you learned and how you can apply that knowledge to further decisions.

-          Success won’t find you.  You must pursue it.  Stepping into the unknown to take carefully calculated risks can help you reach your dreams and fulfill your goals.

Why do we avoid risks?

Emotions prevail over logic (rational thinking) – we incorrectly assume there’s a direct correlation between our fear level and the risk level.  But often, our emotions are just not rational.  If we truly understood how to calculate risk, we’d know which risks were worth taking and we’d be a lot less fearful about taking them.

We don’t think about risks – Too often a risk evokes a fear that we decide not to think about it or its consequences at all.  Without understanding the potential outcomes of taking a risk, we usually end up avoiding risky ideas or dreams altogether.

The problem with fearing risks

You don’t get to be extraordinary without taking calculated risks – If we only take risks that make us the most comfortable, we are likely missing out on some great opportunities.  Taking calculated risks often means the difference between living a mediocre life and living an extraordinary life.

Emotions interfere with making logical choices – It is important to be rational throughout the decision-making process.

Calculate Risks and Reduce Fear

Balance emotion with logic – The more emotional you feel, the less logical your thoughts will be.  Increase your rational thoughts about the risk you are facing to balance out your emotional reaction.

Minimize Risk Maximize Success

a.       What re the potential costs? – Think about both tangible and intangible costs.

b.      What are the potential benefits?

c.       How will this help me achieve my goal?

d.      What are the alternatives? Weigh all options and think about a possible fallback.

e.       Eye on the best result

f.        Think about the drawbacks.

g.      Be futuristic.

Chapter 7 – They don’t dwell on the past.

“We do not heal the past by dwelling there; we heal the past by living fully in the present” (Williamson, n.d.)

-          Although self-reflection is healthy, dwelling can be self-destructive, preventing you from enjoying the present and planning for the future.  Choose to start living in the moment.

-          Lingering guilt, shame, and anger are just a few of the feelings that can keep you stuck in the past.

-          Reflecting on the past won’t change it.

-          Dwelling starts out as a cognitive process, but eventually, it influences your emotions and behavior.

-          Refusing to dwell on the past does not mean you pretend the past didn’t happen.  In fact, it often means embracing and accepting your experiences so you can live in the present.

Why do we dwell on the past?

The fear of moving forward makes us want to stay stuck in the past – somehow, we value memories, and we are being sentimental about moving on.

Dwelling on the past distracts you from the present – We tend to compare the past and the present.  It is easy for us to imagine that life could be better if we could only change the past.

The Problem with Dwelling on the Past

a.       You miss out on the present.

b.      You lose sight of the future – setting aside your goal which will hinder you to achieve your full potential.

c.       It interferes with your decision-making skills – you will be irrational.

d.      It does not solve anything – it is already a part of history.

e.       It can lead to depression – feelings of remorse and ruthlessness (self-pity)

f.        It is bad for your physical well-being.

g.      Yesterday’s glory is today’s history – the grass-is-greener philosophy is not helpful.

Shift your thinking.

By shifting the way, you think about the past, you can move forward:

a.       Schedule time to think about a past event.

b.      Give yourself something else to think about – occupy your mind with other fruitful things.

c.       Establish a goal for the future – setting a timeline and drafting your own strategic road map.

d.      Focus on the lessons you learned.

e.       Think about facts, not emotion.

f.        Think outside the box.

Make peace with the past.

The misconceptions we hold about grief can contribute to our choice to live in the present.  If you find yourself ruminating on some aspect of your past, you may need to take action to make peace with the past.  Give yourself permission to move forward, practice forgiveness, change behavior that keeps you stuck in the past, recognize the emotional toll of dwelling on the past, and seek professional help if necessary. 

Chapter 8 – They don’t make the same mistakes over and over.

“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing” (Powell, n.d)

-          If you want to avoid repeating a mistake, spend some time studying it.  Be skeptical (what went wrong? What could I have done better? What will I do next time?)

-          No matter what type of mistakes you are trying to avoid, the key to success lies in developing a good plan.  Developing a written plan increases the likelihood that you will follow through with it.

-          When you view mistakes not as something negative but instead as an opportunity to improve yourself, you will be able to devote time and energy to making sure you don’t repeat them.

Why do we make the same mistakes?

1.      Our behavior is complicated – it is difficult to completely unlearn what we were taught when we were younger. 

2.      Impulsivity and stubbornness – irrational actions

3.      Uncomfortable with success – when things are sailing smoothly, some people may feel anxious.  To relieve that anxiety, they resort to their old self-destructive behavior and repeat the same mistakes.

The Problem with repeating our mistakes.

a.       You won’t reach your goals – becoming stagnant.

b.      The Problem won’t get solved – a vicious cycle.

c.       You’ll think differently about yourself – self-pity.

d.      You may not try as hard – mediocre.

e.       You may frustrate others who watch you repeat the same mistakes – a source of frustration to others that will tarnish healthy relationships.

f.        You may develop irrational beliefs to excuse your mistakes – emotion over a logical thing.

Create a Plan

a.       Establish behavior that will replace previous behavior – Decide what healthy behavior will help you avoid repeating unhealthy behavior.

b.      Identify warning signs that you are headed down the wrong path again – See for red flags.

c.       Find a way to hold yourself accountable – check and balance.

Practice self-discipline

a.       Practice tolerating discomfort – each time you give in, you reduce your self-control.

b.      Use positive self-talk – realistic affirmations can help you resist temptation in moments of weakness.

c.       Keep your goals in mind.

d.      Impose restrictions on yourself.

e.       Create a list of all the reasons why you don’t want to repeat your mistake.

Chapter 9 – They Don’t resent other people’s Success.

“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies” (Mandela, n.d)

-          While jealousy can be described as “I want what you have,” resentment over someone’s success goes further: “I want what you have and I don’t want you to have it.”  Fleeting and occasional jealousy is normal, but resentment is unhealthy.

-          Write down your definition of success.  When you are tempted to resent other individuals who are working toward their own definitions of success, remind yourself of your definition.

-          Everyone’s path to success is different and it is important to recognize that your journey is quite unique.

-          If you are working toward your own definition of success and you have addressed your insecurities, you can celebrate other people’s success genuinely.

-          When you stop resenting people for their success, you will be free to work toward your own goals.  You will have the desire to live according to your own values and you won’t feel offended or cheated by people living according to theirs.

Why do we resent other people’s success?

a.       Sense of injustice (fairness) – sometimes an injustice is real, and at other times, it is a work of imagination. 

b.      Insecurities – someone’s else success magnifies one shortcoming (feeling of bitterness).

The problem with resenting other people’s success

a.       Your view of other people isn’t accurate – feelings of resentment can crop up based on stereotypes alone.

b.      Resentment can easily consume your entire life if you are not careful.  It can stop you from focusing on your own path to success, you will never achieve contentment, you will overlook your skills and talents, you may disregard your core values, it can tarnish a relationship, and you may begin tooting your own horn.

Change your circumstances.

-          Examine what you can do differently in your life to bring your behavior in line with your values and your goals.

Change your attitude.

If you find yourself resenting other people, you may change your thoughts, by avoiding comparing yourself to others, developing an awareness of your stereotypes, focusing more on your strengths, and being genuinely happy for the accomplishment of others.

Focus on cooperation rather than competition.

-          As long as you view people in your life as competitors, you will always focus on trying to win.

-          When you are able to be happy about other people’s accomplishments, you will attract, rather than repel successful people.  Surrounding yourself with others who are working hard to reach their goals can be good for you.  You may gain motivation, inspiration, and information that can help you along your journey.

Create your own definition of success.

When people say, “I have everything I ever wanted, but I’m still not happy,” it is often because they don’t really have everything they ever wanted.  They are living according to someone else’s definition of success instead of being true to themselves.

To create your own definition of success, sometimes it is best to look at the big picture of your life and not just the phase that you are in right now. 

At the end of the road, what would likely give you the biggest sense of peace to the following questions:

a.       What were my biggest accomplishments in life? – Financial wealth? Contribution to society? Travel?

b.      How would I know that I had accomplished those things? – Tangible and intangible evidence.

c.       What were the best ways I spent my time, money, and talents?

d.      Which memories in your life will likely be the most important to you?

e.       What types of activities will give you the most sense of pride and fulfillment?

Chapter 10 – They don’t give up after the first failure

“Failure is a part of the process of success.  People who avoid failure also avoid success”. (Kiyosaki, n.d)

-          Failure doesn’t have to be the end.  In fact, most successful people treat failure as just the beginning of a long journey to success.

-          If you refuse to try again after you fail once, it is likely you have developed some inaccurate or unproductive beliefs about failure.  Those beliefs influence the way you think, feel, and behave toward failure.

-          Replace the irrational thoughts with realistic reminders that failure is often part of the journey to success; it can be handled, there are learnings from each failure; it can be overcome and is a sign of challenging oneself to never give up.

Why do we give up?

1.      Fear is often at the heart of our unwillingness to try something again after we’ve failed at it already.  Rather than overcoming these fears, many people simply avoid risking another failure, which we associate with shame.

2.      We allow failure to define who we are (external locus of control)

3.      Learned behavior back in the day.

4.      Fixed mindset – “I can’t do it attitude.”

The problem with giving in to failure.

1.      Unaccomplished goals

2.      Missed opportunities.

Some empirical findings about perseverance and failure:

1.      Deliberate practice is more important than natural talent – 10 years of daily practice can surpass others with natural talent in a particular field.  While after 20 years of dedicated practice, many people who lack natural talent can gain world-class achievement. 

2.      Grit is a better predictor of success than IQ – Grit, defined as perseverance and passion for long-term goals, has been shown to be a much more accurate predictor of achievement.

3.      Attributing failure to a lack of ability leads to learned helplessness.

Change the way you think about failure.

Irrational thoughts about failure may cause you to quit your first failed attempt.  Work on replacing them with more realistic thoughts.  Focus on your efforts instead of the outcome.  By thinking about what you can learn from the experience, you will be more likely to accept that failure is part of the process. 

Self-compassion, and not necessarily high self-esteem, may be the key to reaching your full potential.  While being too hard on yourself can lead to the resignation that you are just not good enough, and being too easy on yourself may lead to excuses for your behavior, self-compassion strikes just the right balance.  Self-compassion means viewing your failures kindly yet realistically.  It means understanding that everyone has shortcomings, including you, and that failure does not decrease your worth as a person.

Chapter 11 – They don’t fear alone time.

“All man’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room alone” (Pascal, n.d)

-          Creating time to be alone with your thoughts can be a powerful experience, instrumental in helping you reach your goals.  Mental strength requires you to take time out from the busyness of daily life to focus on growth. 

-          Being alone often gets confused with being lonely.  Loneliness is about perceiving that no one is there for you, but solitude is about making a choice to be alone with your thoughts.

-          Alone time help you to reflect on your goals and pay attention to your inner self.

-          Take a break from technology and incorporate some more quiet time in your daily life (be in nature).

-          Schedule a date with yourself

-          Learn Meditation and Yoga (technically, meditation is just listening and being mindful of your breath…  20 minutes of training per day)

-          Spending time alone, whether you choose to meditate or you use some quiet time to simply reflect on your goals, is the best way to really get to know yourself.  Developing an improved sense of self-awareness can help you continue to recognize what’s holding you back from reaching your full potential.

Why do we avoid being alone?

1.      Although extreme solitude clearly is not healthy, being alone seems to have received such a bad rap that even short durations of alone time can be viewed as unpleasant.

2.      Societal pressures to be productive – People who feel like they must be accomplishing something all the time may view alone time as wasting time. 

3.      Some individuals just don’t feel comfortable being alone. 

Major benefits of solitude

1.      Minimize depression.

2.      Increase in productivity.

3.      Alone time may increase your empathy.

4.      It sparks creativity.

5.      Solitary skills are good for mental health – evidence suggests solitary skills may be equally important for health and well-being.  The ability to tolerate alone time has been linked to increased happiness, life satisfaction, and improved stress management.

6.      Solitude offers restoration.

Mindfulness Skills and Practice

Mindfulness is often used synonymously with meditation, but they are not the same thing.  Mindfulness is about developing an acute awareness of what is happening within the moment without forming a judgment.  The key to developing the skills is to remember that they take practice and dedication.

a.       Scan your body – set your awareness to each part.  Look for areas of your body that may be tense and practice letting go of that tension and relaxing your muscles.

b.      Count to ten – notice as your mind will likely begin to wander along the way.  Refocus.

c.       Consciously observe – Find an everyday object you have lying around the house, hold the object in your hands and focus all your attention on it.  Observe it physically and feel the sensation.

d.      Eat a mindful bite of food – eat slowly and savor the moment.

Chapter 12 – They don’t feel the world owes them anything.

“Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living.  The world owes you nothing.  It was here first” (Burdette, n.d)

-          You are not the center of the universe.  The belief that you are owed something simply because of who you are or what you’ve been through is not healthy.

-          Most people who feel a sense of entitlement lack self-awareness.  They think everyone else perceives them the same way they perceive themselves.  Keep in mind that life is not meant to be fair, other people have the same problems, you have choices in how you respond to disappointments, and you are not more deserving.

-          Focus on giving, not taking.

-          Practicing humility makes you stronger (be open-minded)

Why do we feel the world owes us something?

-          We lived in a world where rights and privileges frequently get confused. 

-          Advertising promotes self-indulgence and materialism (you deserve this!)

-          Sense of Injustice

-          Social media plays a role in fueling mistaken beliefs about self-importance.

-          Narcissistic mindset

Problems with a sense of Entitlement

-          An entitlement mentality prevents you from earning things based on merit.

-          Becoming unrealistic and illogical.

-          Difficulty in being empathetic.

-          It can lead to feelings of bitterness (self-pity)

Be a team player.

a.       Focus on your efforts, not your importance.

b.      Accept criticism gracefully – be willing to evaluate criticism and consider whether you want to change your behavior.

c.       Acknowledge your flaws and weaknesses.

d.      Stop and think about how other people feel – Increasing empathy for others can decrease your inflated sense of self-importance.

e.       Don’t keep score.

Chapter 13 – They don’t expect immediate results.

“Patience, persistence, and perspiration make an unbeatable combination for success” (Hill, n.d)

-          Although we live in a fast-paced world, we can’t get everything we want instantly.  Expecting immediate results can set you up to fail.

-          Mentally strong people recognize that a quick fix (bandage solution) isn’t always the best.  A willingness to develop realistic expectations and an understanding that success does not happen overnight is necessary if you want to reach your full potential.

-          Recognize that progress isn’t always obvious.  Before you set out to reach your goal, consider how you will measure progress.  How do you know if you are on the right track? Is there a realistic time frame to see the initial results? What kinds of results can be expected within the realistic time frame?

-          Immediate gratification is at the heart of many problems; everyone can fall prey to the trap.

-          Reaching your full potential requires you to demonstrate willpower to resist short-term temptation.  The ability to delay getting what you want now so you can get more later is instrumental to success.

Why do we expect immediate results?

a.       Impatient behavior – we live in a fast-moving world of no lines, no waiting. 

b.      Stories about overnight success fuel our desire to get immediate results from whatever we are doing.  Most of the time, people are looking at the result and not at all the work it took to get there.

c.       We overestimate our abilities – overestimating your abilities can leave you feeling disappointed when you find that you are not able to perform as well as you’d predicted.

d.      We underestimate how long change takes – We lose sight of the fact that personal change, business operations, and people don’t move nearly as fast as technology.

 The problem with expecting immediate results.

1.      Being unrealistic – It may cause you to assume that you will reach your goal with ease, and then if you don’t get immediate results, you may struggle to stay on course.

2.      Premature abandonment of given effort

3.      You may be tempted to take shortcuts – shortcuts can have dangerous consequences.  If you are not getting fast enough results, you may fall prey to hurrying things along in an unnatural manner.

4.      You won’t be prepared for the future - you will not see the bigger picture of your actions.

5.      Self-Pity

Create realistic expectations!

1.      Never underestimate how difficult change is – accept that it will be hard.

2.      Avoid placing a definite time limit on reaching your goal – be logical.

3.      Don’t overestimate how much better the results will make your life – apply the conservative approach.

Practice delaying gratification.

a.       Keep your eyes on the prize – Keep your end goal in mind to stay motivated on the days when you feel like giving up.  Visualize yourself meeting your goal each day and it will help you stay motivated.

b.      Celebrate milestones along your journey – Draft a road map for your goal/parameter of success.  You can create short-term objectives and celebrate when you reach each milestone.

c.       Create a plan to resist temptation – Create a plan that will help you steer clear of temptations that may throw you off course and prevent you from becoming successful.

d.      Deal with feelings of frustration and impatience in a healthy way – Counter those feelings with a positive mindset.  Expect that they will be a part of the process.

e.       Pace yourself – take your time.

 -End-